I have Major Depressive Disorder. I have also been the primary caregiver for someone with depression. So, when I ran into this article, How to support someone with depression | Psyche Guides by Emma Cotterill, I was doubly interested. If it was a good guide, I wanted to help get the word out. And it is a good guide. It’s definitely worth reading. I also wanted to find out sort of how I did as a caregiver.
There are ten main points that Cotterill makes. I want to go through them one by one and talk about each one a little bit.
“Support matters. Millions of us will know someone who has depression at some point in our lives. Your support can help them feel less alone, provide some relief and create hope.”
This one is obvious. Loneliness and isolation are two of the major symptoms of depression. Support from others is the best way to combat these symptoms.
“Talk about the depression. If you’re concerned that they might be experiencing depression, ask about that possibility. If it has come up before, check in on how they are doing. Use language that separates the person from the depression.”
In my writing, I always make a distinction between myself and my depression. When a flare up is bad, I often complain that I can’t tell what’s me and what’s the depression. It’s helpful if others can do the same thing.
“Support them in getting external help. This could range from assistance with childcare or chores to seeing a mental health professional. Talk about these possibilities. You can also offer to help research and coordinate this support.”
The research part of this is huge. It’s hard to research when you have no energy. And it’s impossible to find groups, therapists, and such without research. If you suspect a loved one has depression, offering research is an act of love that many people would never think about.
“Notice the negative, unkind and critical thoughts. Encourage the person to look at highly negative thoughts they’re having as a product of depression.”
This is similar to number two. Depression is a liar. Make sure to help the depressed person distinguish between those lies (the negative thoughts) and the truth (you are a good person who is worthy of love and support).
“Ask about suicidal thoughts. If you’re worried they might be having such thoughts, start a conversation. You can also turn to a close friend, family member or professional for support in raising this.”
This is one of the first questions asked by all mental health professionals. “Are you having any thoughts of harming yourself?” Self-harm, whether suicide or cutting or anything else, is incredibly hard to talk about. Starting a conversation could save a life.
“Stay with them in the big feelings. Just listening to and compassionately acknowledging how someone is feeling can help them feel less isolated by depression.”
It’s easy to pull away from someone with depression. Let’s face it, they’re not much fun to be around. Just being there, compassionately, can be a big help.
“Offer practical support. If they seem overwhelmed, assisting with one everyday task or more yourself could be appropriate and helpful.”
Self-care can be difficult for someone with depression. Anything that can help with that, no matter how small, can be a big help.
“Encourage them to take action (with your support). Finding opportunities for some gentle exercise, social interaction or other forms of activity may help to lift the person’s mood and functioning.”
This one is huge. Even though a person with depression knows that things like a daily walk and being around people will help, it’s hard for them to do. Having an exercise buddy, someone to hold the depressed person accountable helps a lot.
“Stay in touch. Depression often pulls people away from others. So, without pressuring, keep contacting, talking and trying to make plans.”
This is true even if the depressed person is always saying no to the plans. It can help just to feel like it’s the depressed person’s choice. It also helps to feel wanted. And anything that helps with the isolation is worthwhile.
“Remain kind and compassionate. This can be challenging if you feel worn out or frustrated. Remind yourself that depression is a complex condition that is not their fault, and seek a safe space in which you can express your own thoughts and feelings.”
This is a reminder that the supporter needs self-care as well. DBT likes the expression, “You can’t pour from an empty jug.” You need to take care of yourself, or you’ll be no good to the depressed person.
Like I said at the beginning, Cotterill does a good job of explaining all this. A better job than I can do. I just wanted to amplify her message. If you know and care about someone with depression, this is a great guide for what you can do to help.
