As of today, I am officially 50 years old. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling some kind of way about my birthday. Mind you, I don’t really know what that way is, but I’m feeling it. 50 is just such a crazy number. I’m not bothered by it exactly. As my dad always says, it beats the alternative. It would be fairer to say I’m conscious of it, and I’m curious about it.
When I say I’m conscious of it, that’s exactly what I mean. Since around Christmas, I’ve been aware that my birthday was almost here and it’s a big one. It didn’t sneak up on me, I saw this date on the calendar a mile away.
When I say I’m curious about it, I mean a couple of things. First, I’ve officially been alive in the 21st century for the same amount of time I was alive in the 20th century. Tomorrow, I will have been alive longer in the 21st century than I was in the 20th century. I’m not sure what that means, but it feels significant. When I was a kid, the year 2000 seemed way off. It was the future. And I mean the future future. Now I’ve been alive in the future for more time than I was alive in the present. It’s definitely weird.
I’m also equidistant from my birth and 100 years old. Tomorrow I will be closer to 100 than my birth. Again, it feels significant, but I don’t know why. I’ve only known two people who made it to 100. We’ll see what medical science can do in the next 50 years.
I think a lot of why I’m feeling this birthday more than others is because I’m currently severely underemployed. I haven’t had a real, steady job in five years. It never occurred to me that I would be basically unemployed on my fiftieth birthday. I know ageism has a lot to do with that. Who wants to hire an old man when you can get someone fresh out of college for less money? (That’s the way the thinking goes. They could get me for less money at this point.)
The thing is, as much as it’s been on my mind lately, I don’t feel fifty. Not that I know what fifty feels like, but I don’t feel any different than when I turned 40. Unlike many of the people I talk to, there are no aches and pains. I don’t have bad knees or a bad back. Physically, I’m pretty unaware of my body, in a good way. Yes, I’m knocking on wood as I type this. Hopefully, I can say the same thing at 60.
I’ve often had bad birthdays, like this one and this one. Today doesn’t seem too bad so far. It would be nice if that were a sign for the year to come. I don’t believe in signs like that, but I’m going to hold on to this one for as long as I can.
So, those are some thoughts about turning 50. I’m noticing it more than I normally notice my birthdays. I don’t really know why. Except for the job situation (which is very, very big) and the current political situation (which I didn’t talk about here), I’m doing pretty well. We’ll see what the next 50 brings me.
